Some days a person should just stay in bed, pull the covers over their head, and hide from the world. Living takes effort, and one just can't deal with everything, everyday. After a tiring weekend, and the frustrating coverage of the ACORN news and the 9/12 March on DC, I should have just stayed in bed. But as I was trying to get the courage to climb out from under the covers, I was anxiously waiting for the time I could call Roxi to discover the results of her newest scan on the baby. Our communication lately has been sketchy, since for some unknown reason she can't get my emails anymore. Whenever we try to skype, it doesn't work very well, and we never get to see the videos. Then two of her computers died, so even blogging or facebooking was cut off.
Thus, with great anticipation, I called her. She was tired and sick from the trip to the mainland, but felt that she had received encouraging news that the baby was normal size and healthy. Her placenta doesn't seem to be showing any stress, so our prayers have been answered. Her hopes and plans are to go to Kenya to have the baby, and then to come home next summer for a home stay. She hates winter, and doesn't want to be here then. It would be easier to travel then. We wouldn't have to worry about her getting exposed to the feared H1N1. We would be able to enjoy the lake house, the water, the sun, the girls, etc. I completely understand all her reasoning for her plans, yet, even though I want to be totally supportive, I got selfish instead. Thus the pity party started even though logically, I agreed with her plans for her same reasons.
Not only would I not get to meet my new grandchild till she was 5 or 6 months old, I won't be able to help Roxi take care of either of the girls or her. Thus, I feel superfluous. Grandparenting is something you look forward to your entire life after raising your own children. And I am so into being the best "Bibi" ever, especially since when Roxi was a child, they told us she might not ever be able to have children. But as the situation stands, I can't help feeling that I'm reading from a blog to experience the lives of my daughter and grandchildren. It is just not the same as real hugs and kisses. Now as I previously said, without the computer I could never do this. But today Roxi said that after they come home next summer, they might go back for another year or two......that is when I lost control of all logic and reasoning, and just felt desperation. My greatest apprehension had just been realized. I wanted to give Roxi courage for what she has in store for her in the next few months, but my own selfish feelings just took over. I had to get off the phone before I started bawling. All day the pity party just kept getting worse. It was the kind of day that even crying in a hot tub, didn't help.
Finally, we had to go to a vet dinner about FAT Animals ( why do they think they should feed us and talk about fat at the same time??). Despite the topic, I drowned my sorrow with cheesecake.
With the passage of time, I am trying to remember how lucky I am to have a child who is trying to save the world, not selling drugs. How lucky I am to have two more little girls who will follow in her footsteps of love and sharing to a part of the world that needs their help. What a great role model they will have for a Mother. And I hope they won't judge their Bibi too harshly for her selfish pity party.
We had fortune cookies with dinner last night, and in one, I had no fortune at all...??....then I got one that said something about "your plan will be reached, or something". I just laughed, and said, "what plan?" Tonight I realize that is why I was having a pity party. I have no life plan. I just go from one day to another, trying to dodge what life throws at me. My pleasure comes from celebrating the successes of my children. I have always drawn a blank when people have asked me, "what is your goal, your five year plan?, etc." I always thought I'm too busy with the present to worry about the future. Just live one day at a time, was good enough for me. But then I have always felt like my life has had no purpose.....duh!!!!
So my new idea is to figure out what my plan will be.....and whatever it is, the fortune cookie said I will reach it, so how scary can this planning be???? My first goal will be to lose some of the cheesecake fat from tonight.....
So the pity party is over, and now searching for a plan begins. Do you think 60 is too old to figure out what I want to be when I grow up? I may have to get a new puppy though to hug and kiss until I can get my granchildren back home for good.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Pity Parties are ugly
Posted by Bibi Ronnie at 10:28 PM
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5 comments:
Mom- so sorry to cause you stress, i cry a lot too in thinking about being apart for so long and I know we are asking you all to sacrifice so much to allow us to follow what we feel God wants us to do. I understand your pity party and it is easy to say "it is great that roxanne and jason are helping in Africa" if we are not YOUR kids, it is much harder to be the parents of us.
I love you and never want to cause you pain, please know that, I know only some of what you have sacrificed for your kids, for us. But the tension always exists for us in wanting to follow God first and foremost. I cannot make decisions for my life based on what others think I should do.....and you are partly to blame for teaching me that:) We always want to respect you and know that we love you even if we decide things you would not for us. We trust that although it can be hard, there are more blessings than negatives.
I think it is never too late to have a plan!! WHat matters is not what we busy ourselves with but who we are and how we use the time God gives us. I need this advice too!! Love you so much!!
"stand at the crossroads and look, ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls" Jer. 6:16
"for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Jer. 29:11
This is why I love you. I feel like the child and your are the Mother. You are so together in Him, and that is a relationship you discovered on your own. All I did was drag you to church, which for years you hated me for doing, but He found you and you followed...
Have not decided on a specific plan yet, but have a few ideas. Right now I have to catch up on sleep and pray about it so I can make a good decision. Thanks for the scripture. All my love to you all, always.
Dear Miss Ronnie--
you might not remember me, but I have met you--I am a friend of Rox's from chicago, and met you at Anni's dedication (my son Elliot is a week younger than anni). I linked to this through Rox's blog. I just want to say that your braveness to remember that there is always time to find a purpose in life is really meaninful to me. It's sometimes hard for me, as a mom, to balance being a good parent with remembering that I have my own life's work, and that fulfilling that work is a part of a good parent. I have especially been thinking about this a lot lately, since we have just moved and our family is at a time of transition. So, I just wanted you to know that I think this is a really brave post, and that it is meaningful to me- for what that's worth! all my best as you ponder your calling, and thank you for the reminder that life is always a process.
Sarah
Thank you Sarah for your encouragement. It is so difficult trying to be everything for our husband and children, that the young woman with ideals and dreams often gets lost in the day to day living. Take time for yourself when you are young, and don't wait till you are 60, like me. Remember, the happier and more fullfilled you are the happier your family will be.
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